7.16.2015

Toilet Seat Credits

As a man, sometimes I leave the toilet seat up. Until recently, I have been a bachelor living alone for a long time, which meant that this disregard for the status of the toilet seat was never that much of a problem.

When I would visit my parents, my mom would sometimes give me grief about it. She had spent over 50 years training my dad to put the seat down. But most of the year, I live alone in my own house.

When I peed at my folks’ house, I would think to myself, “I need to put the seat down…I need to put the seat down,” willfully trying to remember to do it after I finished my business. But over the course of my micturition, sometimes my mind would wander to other unrelated thoughts and by the time I was done, I would forget I was trying to remind myself to do it.

I recently started dating someone, and last weekend we took a road trip up north to my parents’ cabin for some R&R with the folks. It didn’t take long for my girlfriend and my mom to gang up on me about my toilet seat transgressions.

“You know,” I said, by way of protestation. “I get dinged whenever I leave it up, but I never get credit for all the times I remember to put it down.” It was true. When my mom or GF visit the bathroom and the seat is down, they have no way of knowing who was last in the bathroom. It could have been me or someone else. Thus, credit for proper toilet seat positioning cannot be attributed to anyone. But when it is up, then it is clearly my fault, since the women would never leave it up and my dad has been trained (though I secretly suspect he might leave it up when I am visiting because he knows I’ll be blamed).

After we got back from the cabin, I had an idea. I started telling Deborah, my GF, whenever I successfully remembered to put the toilet seat down. I wanted credit for my successful adherence to bathroom etiquette.

“Hey, I just wanted to report that the toilet seat is in the fully down position following my most recent foray into the bathroom,” I would say, or something to this effect, which amused Deborah, an added advantage to improving my reputation as a toilet seat putter-downer.

I discovered another advantage to gaining toilet seat capital as well. I could redeem toilet seat credits against other misdeeds.

“Hey Deborah…I left a couple of dirty dishes in the kitchen sink, but I am going to go ahead and redeem a toilet seat credit toward that, if that’s cool?”

Amazingly, it was. Although I don’t think I will be able to exploit this discovery to its full advantage…

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