FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Joe Leonard, email@example.com
MADISON WI, November 29, 2016 - A ground breaking new case study conducted today has concluded that 11 AM is the best time for Joe and Deborah to go the the gym on Tuesdays.
"Most people are at work during the middle of the day on Tuesdays, so a major obstacle to a fun and productive workout - other people - is eliminated," Joe said. "More importantly, it's adult swim in the Sport Pool from 11:30 to 12:30. That means no goddam kids clogging up the lanes and leaving their crap all over the floor of the locker room like it's their own bedroom or some sh!t."
"Plus most kids are in school at this time of day," added Deborah. "It really is a much nicer environment when the unsupervised kids are eliminated from the equation."
Although unsupervised kids are technically forbidden anywhere in the Harbor Athletic Club facility where the case study was conducted, this rule is weakly enforced if at all. As a result, kid-phobic fitness buffs have to workout during off peak times, such as during school hours or late at night.
"Weekday early evenings are probably the most hellish time to go to the gym" Joe said. "The little phuckheads are out of control then, leaving messes everywhere. One of these days I am going to move all their friggin' gym clothes from the floor into one of the lockers just to mess with them."
"That'd be hilarious," Deborah said. "But you're too nice to do something like that."
"True," Joe said. "Sometimes I wish I was more of a dick, but I don't have it in me."
While this case study only translates to Tuesday workouts, Joe and Deborah plan to repeat the case study under similar conditions on Thursday in an attempt to generalize these findings to other weekdays.
"If we can replicate these findings during a similar time frame on Thursdays, this will have huge ramifications for our fitness regimen and goals," Joe said. "This will guarantee at least two hassle free workouts each week, with the exception of school holidays like Thanksgiving...but who works out on that day anyway?"
Joe and Deborah noted that weekends are always a gamble at the gym.
"Wisconsin sportsball games are generally a safe bet," Deborah said. "It's Wisconsin so even the most athletic people are usually in a bar somewhere stuffing their faces with beer and cheese."