1.29.2017

Fact: Weight Gain is Highly Correlated With All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Food Buffet

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Joe Leonard, ragbraijoe@gmail.com

January 29, 2017 (Madison WI) - It was again confirmed on Thursday evening and Friday morning that consuming unlimited quantities of food from an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet causes weight gain proportional to the amount of food ingested.

"It's not just the gross weight of the food either," said Cactus Joe, the primary investigator and subject of the experiment. "It's also the salty sauces that make you drink a ton of water afterwards [sic]."

Thursday evening's ad libitum Chinese food buffet consumption caused a four pound increase in Joe's weight between regular weigh-ins on Thursday and Friday mornings, respectively.

"I felt like crap on Friday too," Joe said. "I think it was an MSG hangover. I have been eating pretty 'au naturel,' as they say in the vernacular, for quite a few months, along with going to the gym regularly. So this was a big shock to my system. I shant do that again any time soon."

By Saturday morning, most of the destructive systemic effects of the Sino-American cuisine had dissipated and Joe's weight had returned to within acceptable parameters.

"Potstickers are my nemesis," Joe said. "I will literally stuff them into my gullet non-stop as long as they are freely available. If it weren't for the fact that they ran out of them, I'd likely be dead now as a result of a ruptured stomach."

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